Life

I stayed in all weekend, to just relax and try to take in everything Im dealing with in life. I watched the entire broadcast of the amazing Live8 Concerts, mostly tuning into the London, UK concert. The Canadian one was very boring, and had it on my TV in the background while I tuned into AOL’s site and watched the other concerts.

I was entertained, mostly because the London concert had big name artists, including my former Idol..lol..Madonna. She did a great job, good to know she reharased before the show unlike some of the singers including Jann Arden. According to Jann’s journal entry she flew in the same day and left the same day and she claimed they just throw you on stage, yes,but it’s your job to rehearse, so it’s just a poor excuse, and she abrutly walked off stage. The exit was just as bad as her singing. I think she showed up mostly to satisfy herself. Really if you’re gonna appear infront of millions wouldn’t you want to make yourself look good? EVEN IF YOU WERE NOT GETTING PAID TO BE THERE?

Anyway back to Madonna. Shows she still has it going on, and she can entertain. In my opinion she’s awesome on stage. Weither its her dancing or her dancers doing really courageous and outrageous dance moves that most cannot even do if they tried. We know she can’t sing, but as long as she compensates with a good show, hey, that’s all what counts. And the same for Britney Spears, she can dance, but lip synch’s.

Mariah Carey was flawless like always, she’s an epitiome of a diva..lol. with her volumpious body, big hair, and awesome voice. She doesn’t have to dance to entertain, her voice and what she can do with it does it for her. But like I’ve always said she needs to tame down her DIVA attitude, it’s unattrative.

Will Live8 solve anything? NO. Not in my opinion. It’s just making the Western countries happy, that’s all, its for a good cause, but really, you can donate billions to Africa and the problem won’t be solved. Africa has 59 countries with 800 million people, The corrupted overnment is what needs to concentrated on. It’s a certain area in Africa that needs help and doesn’t get it. But the images of the unfortunate people, the thousands that die from HIV/AIDS and malnutrition is overwhelming. I literally had tears flow. It makes me feel guilty to what I complain about. I just wish I had the resources to go over there and help each and everyone of them.

On a different note, I had a courtdate lastweek, I wasn’t nervous as I thought I would be, but soon I will be. I will be meeting up with my lawyer this week to discuss the info in the disclosure. She took over my previous lawyer. Then on July 11th, I have another date at court. I actually like the Superior Courts, much more formal, not kiaotic like the provincial courts. And I found it interesting that the attorneys, both counsel and crown attorney wear robes as well.

Basically my life is at a standstill right now, Im not sure of my future and it bothers me. I would like to get a better picture to what I will be dealing with. And I don’t know what to expect til my lawyer speaks with the Crown Attorney. I can’t undo my mistakes and poor judgement, but I know I will learn from it.

I’ve been watching DVD’s of ‘I Love Lucy’. Season 4 to be exact. Something I noticed, it was in 1955, but even today, the furniture thats in style today looks very similiar to what they had back then. Anyway, no one could duplicate Lucille Ball, she was and is a gifted actress. The best comedian and one of the best comedy shows in history. I always wanted to know how it was like back then, to live in the 70′s. I mean I was born in 1975 but was too young to remember. From watching older movies, classic porno’s etc everything seemed soo pure and natural back then, I love the decor too. At the end of one of the episodes a voiceover mentions the names of guest actors that were on the show and I was quite shocked that that particular episode had the famous Producer Aaron Speiling (Dynasty, Beverly Hills 90210 and many others) in it. Wow, I didn’t recognize him, he was soo young, but he played the part very good.
I remember the day Lucille Ball died too, very vivid in my memory. I was cleaning my mom’s car, I was like 11yrs old, and I overheard it on the radio and ran in to the house and told my mom. She will never be forgotton. And ‘I Love Lucy’ will always be on TV and it still is today, 55 years later.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the past etc because I wish I could erase the 2 biggest mistakes in my life. I cry at nights sometimes thinking about the mess I put myself into. I have a lot of remorse and guilt for what I did and just wish it had never happened.

Honestly, I’ve never had friends, and when I was a kid I was a loner, very shy, always hid in my room. I just didn’t fit in at school. And I think thats why I was tormented from Grade 6 to the end of high school. I had to drop out of high school 4x and went to 4 different high schools because of the crap I went through with other classmates, picking on me, wanting to beat me up for reasons I couldn’t comprehend. Never had a friend. But I did play with the kids on my street. However I did have a true friend of 7 years from 1992ish to 1999, we grew apart. And then until now the ‘friends’ I had used me, abused me (not physically) and betrayed me. Mostly for the past few years the people I hung around were all for partying reasons, drugs, alcohol, used me for money. But hey Im not hating myself for it. Im just more wise now. But I was very lonely even when I had them around to party with.

My life was always incomplete. From not having my father around, to not fitting in with classmates, never had a long term relationship and hated all my jobs. I mean I did have good paying one’s but I wasn’t happy. I was doing things I hated, one dream I always had since I was 12ish was becoming an entertainer; actor/singer. but never persued it.

Well there are 22 days til the big day! And I want to plan something extravagent. Like do something adventerous. Maybe to climb Mount Everest or the Rockies or something..lol..walk to Vancouver..lol..I will be turning THIRTY years old. Im getting old..:-(

Anyway, time to get going, my inner voices are calling me.

Im joking.


Really I am..lol