Ring my bell

Yesterday was stressful. I knew what was going to happened but hey judging from the past, in my, there seems to be for some odd reasons, sharp twists and turns and ups and downs. But it went as planned and I am here typing it out, but it’s over but not really over. Whatever I experienced last year is now officially closed. Moving on. Or am I?

You know I am not going to hide my deep truest, purest (if such words exist), finest inner feelings here. People tend to not post things so personal in an open forum for various reasons. One of those reasons can be because when we show our weaknesses, when we’re feeling less than, inferior, low, down, people tend to think less than of us. Like as if their shit don’t stink. While some have diaries, I have the web, I am not going to shy away from being my true self, rather than some pretentious lifeless human being.

There’s just a lot I like to change in my life currently. And everytime I think about it stresses me out. I need to learn how to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, breathe in, breathe out. Tackle the challenges, because these are the small one’s compared to what I’ve experienced in the last 8 or so years. And speaking of time. I can’t believe how fast time flies. And I’ve been reminiscing on the past quite often lately for no apparent reason, perhaps there is a reason for which has not come to my senses but I’ll try not to dwell on it. It has to do with going back in time and doing things differently and making the right choices, and think before I act.

You see, even though I am 32, I can still go after those childhood dreams. And I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. We know what we want to do with our lives at a very young age. Forget it I am not going to talk about this..moving along…ok, fine, I will talk about it..lol…( I type my blogs almost identical to how I talk face to face) I just don’t want to be 90yrs old, sitting on my rocker in my depends and say "I wish I’ve done that". But the thing is I don’t know what keeps pulling be back. Holding me down. I want to set myself free and be who I want to be without those awful inner voices that keep me still and with fear.

I want to expand my horizons and meet interesting new people without purposely pushing them away or scaring them away.

It’s insane, whenever I meet someone new and talk on the phone, I immediately cut myself into a million different pieces, and forget the positives, I focus on my faults..for example, after conversing for about 1/2 hour I will say something like " So, yea, I am possessive, don’t trust men, most times I am a perfectionist to the point where the severe obsessive complusive disorder kicks in, in addition to thinking all men are cheating, dishonest sexpigs, and if you think we’ll get into bed on the first date, you can hang up now unless you say you find me hot and you want me now, well that’s different because you said HOT, I want YOU and NOW."  I am referring to what happened in the summer. I met some guy with a horses..um..yea…talking about mass destruction.

One day I’ll entertain the world.  I said that when I was 12 years old.