March 14, 2008
C’mon let’s face it, those who claim to be ‘straight acting’ are not, as if it’s something gay men are ashamed of, hide from, or flaunt as they prance to the sayings of "they’re here, they’re quear so get used to it". Let’s face it, in bed would you rather hear squeals of sissy boy or the manly voice of a manly man?? Hey, if I wanted to be with a woman, I would buy a plastic vagina or I would pretend to be staight, like most in-the-closet men do as they live in their misery.
So, GET OUT OF THE CLOSET MOTHERFUCKERS! BE TRUE, B URSELF!, SEEK NO APPROVAL!
Anyway, I couldn’t think of a better title of this Q&A, read for your enjoyment…
QUESTION: I’ve come to the realization that I’m nellier than I’d like to be. It’s not like a purse falls out of my mouth when I talk, but I ain’t the butchest thing on the block. I want to change, but how? Can effeminate guys learn how to act more masculine? How can I make my mannerisms, gestures and speech patterns manlier?
I like guys who are more masculine. And that’s what makes me want to change—I have no chance to attract those guys. I understand that you should accept yourself for who you are but what if you don’t like who you are? I want be more like the type of men I’m attracted to.
I have found TONS of information on why guys turn out effeminate– overbearing mothers, absent fathers, etc. but I can’t find anything about developing traits that are more masculine. What do I do?
–Limper than I’d Like!
Well, you’re out of luck. The American Medical Association hung up on me when I asked for a surgeon who performed nelly-ectomies. Same with the American Psychiatric Association—nobody does “Butch Therapy.”
Seriously, you’re asking a tough question—it pits two of my main sex and dating philosophies against each other. The first is that peace will never come unless you accept who you are and what you like. I don’t care if it’s being gay, looking femme or loving pain, shame is corrosive and it will eat at you until there’s nothing left on the plate.
On the other hand, if being who you are isn’t getting who you want, you either have to change who you are or change what you want. Fortunately, there’s a shame-free middle ground between these two philosophies. It starts by asking this question:
Is nelliness caused by nature or nurture?
On the nature side of the argument, some male babies really do come out of the womb complaining about the harsh lighting and asking the medical “wait-staff” if those scrubs don’t come in a more flattering color.
But there’s no question that effeminacy is also learned behavior. Just look at gay life. A LOT of us celebrate drag, call each other “she,” and mock masculinity. Think about it. How do most us describe a masculine gay guy? “Straight-acting.” As if it’s inconceivable that gay men could be masculine without it being a performance. There’s an undeniable “Pansy Vortex” in gay life. You fall in wearing baggy jeans and a T-shirt and you come out with a thong up the crack of your ass.
So, nature or nurture? What fuels the gay flame? Personally, I think some men are born flamers and some have flames thrust upon them. And there’s a lot of charring going on in between. You have to decide for yourself. If you believe that your mannerisms, gestures and speech patterns are part of your DNA then you don’t need to work on anything except accepting yourself.
But if you believe that at least some of your behavior was learned, then work on changing those. How? The same way you learned how to hold your wrists as if they had no bones: By hanging out with a like-minded crowd, noticing how they behave and imitating them. Start with the little things, like using the correct pronouns. I mean, does anybody seriously believe they were born with a predisposition to call a man “she” instead of “he?”
As you progress in teaching yourself new behaviors you need to keep asking yourself, “If I change this part will I be compromising myself?” If the answer is yes, STOP. If the answer’s no, then you go, girl!
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