The Dark Trap (revisedx2)

(Ok, this blog entry is all over the place)

Well, it’s now three in a row and they all have been

X

                                                X

                 X

Like a game show.

And I could be the author of a book that would be about What Not To Do on A Date..since I’m an expert at it.

Another date, another write off on Saturday night, and it started off on a sour note, the Polish accent boy drove had his 1990 Mercedes stuck in the ditch when he parked beside my apartment, I told him not to worry since shit happens but I was trying hard not think this wasn’t meant to be. Everything else went well, until the fucker became someone else and gave me the could shoulder when he got home, perhaps it was the argument about there is no relation between penis size and body size?? or the fact I didn’t show interest at the end of the date…. Because I wasn’t. Or maybe it was the restaurant, for some it could be an expensive place to eat so next time, if there is a next time it will be at McDonalds. And I will use my coupons that I got in the mail.

I even went on WebCam for this guy, and I hate that thing, I think it’s nerdy and geeky..”Hi, this is me, watch me type now..look, I’m typing..wanna see the inside of my nostrils since this is so damn boring?” Yes, I did promise Vlogs (talking blogs) were to come but who knows.

I don’t even know why I’m talking about my internet hook ups again. I promised myself no more with the internet crap. But after all, it’s a blog site and if my experiences couldn’t be a clearer indiction that men are really from Mars, I don’t know what will. For the exception of myself, men think with their dick and they should stick that dick in an electrical socket to jumpstart that brain of theirs.. 

I have a big fuckin dick in my brain.

Don’t get me wrong, I get depressed over it…just for a few minutes, mainly because I do a lot of inner self-talk including but not limited to the following “I can do better, next…”, “I’m not for everyone..Next”,  “You’re loss, someone else’s gain..next”, “I CAN DO better..next”  and all that self talk helps a lot. I beat myself up always, perhaps a Leo (astrology) trait, but I do and people don’t understand why. I won’t deny it, well it’s actually very noticeable and it can turn off some people. But just like many others, I have my confident and not so confident days. With men it’s an automatic thing, that there is something to compete with. But seriously, who am I trying to impress here? A man?? If I were to be straight and impress a woman, I wouldn’t be struggling.

I’m talking about putting myself out there on the meat market so to speak, and I’ve posted something about it before. I just suck at making a good first impression I am sure it’s because I don’t conform to society’s norm, and I don’t try hard to make it look like I’m perfect when there is no such thing.

I swear, I don’t try to be different, it just happens. And that is the most important thing to me, is to be real, to be myself and none of the pretentious crap and I expect that in return from other people. I’m the epitome of the real deal, I have to admit. One thing about me is that it’s what you see is what you get, and with that there are two types of people out there, one’s that can hang with me and the one’s who are scared.

The gay philosophy textbook says long term relationships start off with a one night stand. My response? Are you fuckin kidding me? If that’s true it’s a relationship based on sex and it won’t last. I will not fall into that trap, nor any of the other gay dark traps. Where self sabotage and inducing into drugs of self despair and loneliness will kill every ounce of your soul. I will not go back that route again. But it happens to so many gays out there, and they are not bad people, ithey just have issues and that’s why HIV is on the rise because so many of them are falling into that trap. It’s just not worth it! My life and health is far more important than the empty, sleazy, nasty sex with a different person for each day of the week. It’s toxic in so many levels. I fell for it years ago, but I picked myself up and became a much stronger person and have been off it for all this time. And for some reason people won’t believe that an addict is not always an addict if they get the right help and only if they really want the help. Hello! I am an example.

Like a HERO beating the odds and killing the demons in the dark night.

It’s very easy to judge someone when you havn’t been in their situation, and why is it that those who help others without strings attached are the one’s who’ve only been in a situation where they needed someone’s help and were grateful for the generiousity that they help others since they know what it’s like. I think it takes a smart person to do that. God knows, I’ve been in situatons where I needed a helping hand and ever since the dark days, now I go out of my way to help people. Because I’ve been there.

I know people who help others with strings attached, the type of people that say “Well, I helped you now you owe me…” and I feel deeply sorry for them, because they’re selfish, cold hearted idiots. If someone does not feel a rush of good feelings in their brain when they help people, they must be stupid useless human beings. We should pray for those sorry lost souls.

So, back to the bad internet dating. So, like flirting with the waiter is not good, but I did it, things I say and do like removing the bread off the hamburger and creating my own sandwich, give a recommendation to the restaurant to name the desert that I just devoured and moaned to,  ‘Intense Orgasm’, suggest that I pay for dinner  but then change my mind and say “Actually let’s split the bill, I read an article on paying for the tab on the first date and it was highly not recommended, but if you play your cards right, the next one is on me”? No? Not good to say? I did it.

Or at dinner say, ”Excuse me, while I have to take a piss”??    No? Not good? I did it! But you’re not really taking a piss, because that would be like rewinding a scene and watching it backwards, so you’re actually giving a piss. Talking about piss, the more I waste my time meeting people off the damn internet, the more I understand why they’re on there in the first place, I’ve got no clue why I keep doing this. These signs should ring the bell already, I must be slow.

But don’t get me wrong, I don’t do the nasty, like I don’t release bodily functions or burp and stuff, cause that’s just ghetto trailer parkish behaviour, you know what I am sayin, biatch HO?

But in all seriousness, the reason why I am horrible at internet dating, it’s not for everyone, I’m too good for it, and it is because I have only been used to promiscuous sex, when making the first impression was spreading eagle, until 4 years ago, so there’s no need to put up a front to impress, it was too simple. I’m the true colors from the gecko and some can’t take all the in, they need their fairytale. And unlike most people who try to be something they’re not and then suddenly they’re a bad fuckin nightmare months into the relationship!, I’m not that person that nightmere in the middle of the relationship.

I also have the tendency block and delete people from my MSN very quickly, which I did with this guy and he just doesn’t know it yet, I couldn’t be bothered. So, if they can’t carry a conversation, give me the cold shoulder, rarelt converse on ther, they’re off my list..and poof they disappear like a ghost. I am not one of those who like to keep a long list of people to make it look like they’re popular when they’re not, nor am I into messenger internet only buddies. I am a geek at times, but not much, as I’ve said I’m not the recluse you’ll find on the internet. I’m a social person and need the interaction with people. Not always, but most times.

I’m not afraid to admit, I’m one of a kind.

And for those who I met and have not been to my blog site, I tell them about it and they ask me to not post anything about them, but I don’t mention names ever, I speak in general terms and so they got nothing to worry about and here I am writing about YOU. That’s how a lot of TV shows and movies and Broadway shows are created, from real characters or people. Or based on someone’s life. TADA! And I must admit, I look better on camera. Fuck, I can’t impress everyone but I’ll do well in movies and TV.

I watched the Patrick Swayzee/Barbara Walters interview. When I look at Patrick Swayze he reminded me of the final days before my uncle died from cancer last year. My uncle became very thin like Patrick and but also had his hair. It just makes me think of how fast your life can change, in the blink of an eye everything can change forever, it reminds me to cherish what I got, cherish every moment of my life, breathe in and out and I say to myself, LIFE CAN BE WORSE. The little things I complain about, millions in the world who are suffering or dying, would wish that they had only my problems. So, really, we all need to stop and think then next time we sweat the small stuff.

I’ve noticed that because of my past and all the experiences, good and bad and the older I get I’ve become impatient, speak up more often, stand up for what I believe in, and sometimes become rude, basically what I need is someone who can take that, understand it and be that person who can critisize me when I deserve it, and not everyone wants to deal with that.

I was created this way, I am god’s creation and I will accept who I am. Until I meet someone special who will also…

I shall remain single.